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Tuesday, July 7, 2015

101 Reasons Why Amy Schumer Needs to Invite Me to the Trainwreck Movie Premiere

1. Because I asked nicely…

2. We are both… writers
3. …women
4. …blondes
5. …feminists
6. …funny (but in a head to head, you win)
7. We are both on Twitter
8. And over the age of 30
9. And under the age of 60
10. We are both from America
11. We both drive on the right side of the road
12. We both have a single chamber stomach (cows have 4)
13. I’ve never been to a premiere
14. My friends would be jealous
15. My mom would be jealous
16. My dogs would be jealous (or just mad that I’m not home)
17. My husband would be jealous (assuming I had only 1 ticket)
18. I promise to give Trainwreck 4-stars
19. We both know squat about the NBA
20. We have a similar upbringing: I was also told by my mother not to shave above my knee
21. I have a birthday (sometime this year)
22. It’s national give premiere tickets to a stranger day
23. I’m good at hiding candy in my purse
24. I’m good at hiding chardonnay in my purse
25. I will get you popcorn refills
26. And I’ll tell you if you have a  kernel between your teeth
27. This could be lifesaving, the mob will never look for me at a movie premiere
28. I’ve never asked you for anything before
29. I’ll never ask you for anything again
30. I did donate to NMSS charity (I’m just unlucky with raffles)
31. Because you, Amy, are my “SQUIRREL!”
32. I promise not to ask to take a selfie with you (however I may just take one without asking)
33. I have to pick up my kids from camp on July 17th so I need to see the flick pre-release
34. It’s a win-win (don’t think too hard on this one)
35. Amy, this the universe telling you to invite me
36. Free material for future sketches – I’m sure to embarrass myself
37. May I suggest an even exchange, premiere tickets for…  an autograph copy of one my books
38. …or a dedication in one of my books
39. …or my recipe for artichoke dip
40. …or one of my children
41. I can be the DD — my minivan holds 7 (even have room for LeBron)
42. I want to meet your sister
43. And your mother
44. Because your stand-up has no tour dates
45. Because I asked nicely again…

46. It’s good karma
47. And I’ll stop being mad at you for not taking over for John Stewart
48. And I need a pick-me-up now that Inside Amy Schumer is done for the season
49. There’s probably somebody your mad at — give me his ticket
50. I’m a polite movie goer —  I will not talk during the movie
51. …or text
52. …or Tweet
53. …or Facebook (Can ‘Facebook’ be used as a verb?)
54. …or drink so much I have to get up to use the restroom
55. …or illegally record the move (it is NOT a victimless crime)
56. If there is a collection for the Will Roger’s Institute I will donate any change I find at the bottom of my purse
57. Chris Pratt didn’t invite me to Jurassic World
58. Channing Tatum didn’t invite me to Magic Mike XXL
59. Girl power!
60. You’re so cool. You say the things other women will only say in front of their Bunco group.
61. BTW, you’re invited to my next Bunco night. August 8. Private message me for directions.
62. I made a wish that I’d get premiere tickets when I … tossed a penny in a fountain
63. …saw a shooting star
64. …found a four-leaf clover
65. …pulled a grey hair
66. …poured orange juice in my coffee instead of creamer
67. …ran over a skunk
68. …lost a toenail when I dropped the couch on my foot
69. I’m feeling lucky!!!
70. Equal Opportunity – you need a children’s book author from NC on the guest list
71. A payback promise – I shall invite you to my first movie premiere
72. I’ll add you to my Christmas card list
73. I’ll even mention you in the Christmas letter
74. I’ll start a petition to get you on the $10 bill
75. I’ll stop claiming to be your slightly older cousin
76. I’ll fill in for you for any court-order community service
77. I’ll let my kids watch your show (in about 10 years)
78. YOLO
80. YGTI
81. Because I use my manners… please (in English)
82. Por favor (in Spanish)
83. S’il vous plait (in French)
84. Per favore (in Italian)
85. Bitte (in German)
86. Woof Woof! (in German Shepherd)
87. I’m out of legitimate reasons I’ll use slogans. Just Do It!
88. I’m lovin it
89. Let your fingers do the walking
90. Good to the last drop
91. It’s everywhere you want to be
92. Plop, plop, fizz, fizz, oh what a relief it is
93. Have it your way
94. Keeps going and going and going
95. It’s the real thing
96. The best a man can get
97. Taste so good cats ask for it by name
98. It takes a licking and keeps on ticking
99. Now I’m out of slogans, so I’ll just ask nicely again…
100. Because this list took me longer to write than my last novel
101. No one believes this will work


  1. With the exception of #70, I wrote this list. She's taking ME! :)

    XO ;)

    1. I assume it's a big theater. She can take us both.